Below is a conversation between me and my friend John in Live Journal. I’m putting it out there because I need to. It’s hard to care enough about myself to be as self absorbed as I need to be to take care of myself. It’s hard to track food and exercise and I am not sure I want to bore people by doing it here, but that may be the only way I can do it. I’m lazy and lack discipline. I’m stressed. I know what to do, but unless I do something to make myself accountable (and maybe not even then) I won’t do it. What the Fuck…today is a new day, so I will start over for the umpteenth time and maybe, who knows, it will work.

johnpalmer

May 24 2012, 05:07:55 UTC

Darlin’, I won’t yell or spank because of your numbers – though I’m tempted (especially the latter!) because of your attitude. Here’s the thing. You’re a grownup. Your life is in your hands. I can’t tell you what you have to do. In the end, you can do that – and my scolding won’t change what has happened to your body because you didn’t take care of it.

At the same time, I have a bit of understanding about how you feel. One of the things I’m angry about with my doctor is she chose to throw my sugar issues in my lap when I was dealing with other shit – too much of it. And that might be part of what’s facing you. Too much stuff – too many variables – and too much stress changing any of them.

Here’s what I’d recommend first and foremost: find a low carbohydrate diet plan. Start on it, and try to stick with it for just a few months. If you *know* you can eat a low carb diet, and not starve, and maybe even be happy (as many almonds, as much bacon, as you want…), you’ll always have that tool in your kit. People on a low carb eating plan can sometimes even reverse their diabetes, depending on the cause, and what damage has already been done. This is high stress, but it’s one of the lowest stressors you can pick up. It’s easier than committing to exercise every day, or even four times a week. See, with a low carb diet plan, you don’t have to worry about how much you eat (so long as you eat enough vegetables),for two reasons.

First, you’re not trying to lose weight. You’re trying to control your blood sugar.

Second: you’ll find you just don’t want to eat any more. You’ll pick up a snack – string cheese, or some almonds, or some turkey breast – and realize you just don’t want it. Or, maybe you just want a nibble, for taste. Your body doesn’t want to gorge on fats or protein. It’ll gorge on carbs because they’ll help store up fat for long term energy storage.

This can be hard for the 2-3 weeks it takes for your body to adjust, but once you’re there, if you can keep to it, you’ll probably feel much better. But it’s vital – absolutely vital – that you stick to it for those 2-3 weeks, and that you have iron control over not backsliding. So, you’re on the road, and you just have to have a hamburger, and you can’t get it without a bun? Okay – that’s not going to kill you, but you can’t decide that sandwiches are okay, now – you’ll fall right back off the wagon without even realizing it. You needed *that* hamburger – tomorrow, you go back to avoiding bread.

I’m giving you this warning because I’ve seen it happen. Just a bit of a lapse in discipline, for just a short time, a day or two, makes me have bad carb cravings, and that makes it much harder to avoid failing completely and just giving up.

Low carbohydrates will lower your triglycerides. They’ll improve your blood lipid profile (HDL and LDL and total cholesterol). You’ll probably lose weight, but again, that’s not the goal. And they’ll give you more energy, and probably reduce some level of the fog. That can make everything else a little easier to deal with. And, since no one can ever ignore diabetes (even if you were one of the lucky ones who can stop monitoring all the time, you still need to be aware that your sugars can go out of control at any time!) you’ll always know that you *can* handle it if you have to.

That’s my biggest, best recommendation for you. But you don’t have to do that. Here’s what you *do* have to do.

You have to accept that your life is in *your* hands. And then you have to do something – at least *one* thing – toward improving things. I don’t care if it’s making a habit of taking your Adderall first thing in the morning, or getting all of your doctor appointments lined up or starting to take just a five minute walk during lunch. Because you know that if you don’t choose to do at least *one* thing, you won’t do anything. You’ll look around at everything, and just curl up and not do anything.

But you can pick one thing, and you can do that one thing. And you can do it long enough to be a habit. And then… then you can pick one more.

Do it out of love – either for you, or for those of us who love you. That helps – a duty isn’t as hard when you’re choosing it.

Rather than working, which is what I should be doing (although I have been told that reading about my profession counts as working, as long as I don't ignore the piles on my desk), I was dipping into the Harvard Business Review blog and hit upon this article, "Crush the "I'm Not Creative" Barrier" by Jeff Dyer, Hal Gregersen, and Clayton M. Christensen.

I'm one of the folks in the audience who doesn't raise her hand when asked the question, "Are you creative?" or even "Are you an innovator?" I'd like to be...really I would. Mostly, I just look at things, scan them just enough to get what may be the idea (it may not, because I don't scan and retain enough to even have a discussion, I just get vague impressions) and say, "Boy, I wish I had thought of that," or "How can I use that to make my life better?"  The following quote caught my eye. I nearly clipped it to evernote, where it would have languished. However, I decided that, since I need to get off my ass and post here, I'd note this here, and talk about it.

Becoming more creative requires acting more creative — on a daily basis — to conquer the most vexing problems you face, personally or professionally. It sounds deceptively simple, but acting and thinking differently actually makes us different. You must hunt for things to change. You must spend time at it — a lot more time. The problem is if you don't think you can, you won't. Remember that old saying: "Whether you think you can or think you can't, either way you're probably right." As we come to define ourselves as creative, we change our behaviors and we can actually become more creative. Doing this is key to keeping a creative edge, or for getting it back.(emphasis mine)

Thinking, positive attitude, meditation, taking action...these are all things I have been tasked with by myself and by both physical and mental health professionals. Repeatedly,  for many many decades. And yet, here I sit. I still weigh the same, I still don't exercise, I still don't take time for myself to meditate, I still spend too much time on the net and I still don't journal on a regular basis. I still have the same "who gives a fuck?" attitude and answer that rhetorical question, I don't.

How do I change this about myself? I don't listen to myself. Or maybe Ii don't know how to listen to myself. It doesn't help to have other people tell me to change, because I don't listen to them either. What will flip my switch so it's in "on" mode? I guess that is part of the journey and I should get off my as and get moving.

[update on adderall: it helps some, but not totally. I sometimes don't take it correctly (e.g. at the right time). It is helping with focus, but not with procrastination. I still have serious blind spots that cause me to forget things and I still have dyslexia so bad that, even when I proofread something it is riddled with errors. Thanks to the Goddess for spellcheck.]

[Update on diabetes: I pitched my glucose monitor because I wasn't using it. I think I have another one somewhere, but I'm not sure what kind of strips it takes. My diet is still for shit. I exercise 0 x per week and sometimes I have trouble catching my breath]

[Update on Hallicallihanicon: still haven't reserved my room...I need to call Leslie. Still haven't saved enough money.  I will have enough to cover my share of the trip, but not much extra]

[Update on Lily: the adoption will be final on May 10, just in time for Lily to be able to talk to Becca for Mother's Day. By court order they haven't talked in person or on the phone for over a year. Becca is supposed to call and Lily is looking forward to it, but she is not holding her breath. Cheron bought Lily a bicycle and bought one for herself and they are going bike riding!]

I have been vindicated…I saw Katie (Nurse Practitioner who does my med checks) and she looked at the Neuropsych report that Dr. Grant wrote (the one that said I was bipolar) and, while she wouldn’t say that he was full of shit, she couldn’t figure out how he got that from the results of the test I took and she says I am classic ADD. Well, duh….I am brain damaged which can exacerbate ADD but I’ve probably always had it is some degree. She prescribed Adderall 10-20 mg a day and a book.

I’ve been on the Adderall since Monday afternoon and I can tell a difference already.  Not a huge difference…I still lose and forget things and I still can’t type worth crap, but I am calmer and more focused.  Since I have been a proponent of better living through chemistry for years I am delighted. I am still taking Welbutrin and Buspar as well as Cymbalta (which is for fibro…which may be some of the brain fog, but it doesn’t cause all of my problems by any means).  I also take Simvastatin and I am on two 1 a day complete women’s vitamins per day, fish oil (which my primary care doctor prescribed), a love of ibuprofen and a sleep aid.  I know there are folks who disagree with supplements but I have to say they help.  Katie has scheduled me for lab tests to see if I need more vitamin B and vitamin D.  I don’t know if I do or not, but it wouldn’t surprise me, because I have a truly crappy diet most of the time.

The book she suggested is Delivered from Distraction by Hallowell and Ratey.  I am only a couple of chapters in, but it has been eye opening already.

• Square peg in a round hole
• Radiating confidence and feeling like a square peg in a round hole
• Wasted years looking in the wrong direction for answers

It suggests working with the positives and strengths of ADD is presents a 5 step program

• Connect
• Play
• Practice
• Mastery
• Get recognition from people who recognize and value you

which leads back to Connection.

I can’t wait to explore these concepts in depth.

I’m also going to actually spend time doing the work described in Real Happiness:The Power of Meditation A 28 Day program .  This is a 4 week program similar to the Meditation Based Stress Reduction program I was part of in the Spring.  (That was a disaster because I wasn’t invested enough in it.)

There is a third book that has been hanging around on my shelf for awhile, but I am going to take another crack at it because it should be useful. It’s called How to Study With Mind Maps by Toni Krasnic and I want to see how it works with the other two books.  I’ve played with the mindmap concept and not really gotten anywhere, put I think it might help me put the ideas from the other two books together and create a plan.

I have an appointment with Chris (my therapist) on Friday and he and I will firm up a plan for further discussion and action…I haven’t seen him for a couple of months and it will be good to touch base and actually have “a brain and a plan” that hopefully will work.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks and I have been delaying posting about it because I just didn’t have the energy.  I still don’t, but I have a few minutes here, it’s quiet and I need something to distract me from the dark chocolate headache I inflicted on myself. (Kathi found a dark chocolate covered fruit and nut mix at CVS and I ate a can of it last night 1 can = 8 servings.  It was seriously overkill.  We were watching an amazing movie,  Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949) with a young Alec Guiness playing eight!!! different roles.  I was obviously not practicing mindfulness.

Last week was Spring Break.  I can’t believe it was only a week ago…it feels like forever.  I wasn’t going to take spring break off work, I was going to train Sandy to help with binding. Wednesday morning I literally could not move.  I hurt in places I didn’t know I had places. It was worse than flu and a fibro combined.  I ended up staying in bed for three days…but I got up around suppertime and then couldn’t sleep until 3-4am. I had trouble breathing. I read, a lot. I stared at the tv. When I finally got to sleep I slept 14 hours a day. Didn’t puke, wasn’t congested…Damn, maybe I hit the  depressive of being bi-polar. Duh! TC said it was obvious, because a couple of days before I crashed and burned I cleaned up my “spot” in the dining room and he called me manic. [Pisses me off that he thinks he can diagnose me.  Even if he is right he is so fucking smug I want to smack him.]

Started feeling a little better by the weekend. Abby and I had breakfast but I dropped her off to do Womyn Making Waves and I went out and  bought a cat (actually it was $75 for the adoption fee.  They feature shelter cats at PetSmart. ) Her name is Sarah (the first cat I got when I moved to C-U in 1983 was named Sara) She is a pastel tortoise shell and very sweet.  She has adapted already and the other cats have adapted to her. We now have six cats which is probably too many…but she’s a love.

I also bought a kindle fire.  Wednesday was payday, I have wanted a tablet forever and Kathi will probably buy my kindle 3. I love it.  It means that I have NO discretionary funds for the next 2 weeks but what the hell. It’s only money.

I’m worried about my mom. She says she is doing okay, but she doesn’t have a lot of energy. She’s slowing down.  She’ll be 77 in December. I called because yesterday would have been my Grandma’s birthday if she was still alive.  She would have been 97. Two of my three sisters spend more time and energy on her, but she is never far from my thoughts. I’m just not very good at keeping up with my family of origin.  I like them but we just don’t keep in touch.

I’m actually not every good keeping up with my chosen family either.  Kittencon is coming and I haven’t done anything but send out general invites to my social media groups. I’m always happy when I see people but mostly I’d rather be invisible. I’m gonna contradict myself though. I emailed Bill the Marine and his lovely bride Skye to see if they were driving or flying to Hallicallihanicon in July and Bill put me back in touch with Lesley, so it looks like I have found a ride.  I was going to go if I had to hitchhike but I had no idea how to get the money to fly.  TC said I couldn’t borrow money for a vacation. I am worried about Barnstead.

Next Monday I will see Katie and talk to her about different medication.  Sometime next week I will see Chris and figure out a plan…(We don’t need no steenkin’ plans)

My co-worker who was on vacation and then sick is still sick…poor baby.  According to various sources flu season is late this year.

From the New York Times Feb 24, 2012:

The winter flu season has finally begun, federal health officials announced on Friday, making this the latest start to the season in 24 years — and thus far it is one of the mildest.

The unusually warm winter this year “might play a role,” said Dr. Joseph Bresee, with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Flu viruses survive longer on surfaces in cold, dry weather, and cold weather makes people huddle indoors, where they are more likely to transmit the disease.

WebMD on the same date:

Feb. 24, 2012 — Flu season is officially under way, the CDC says.

It’s the latest start in 24 years, Joseph Bresee, MD, chief of epidemiology and prevention at the CDC’s flu branch, said at a news teleconference.

The CDC declares a flu season when for three weeks in a row at least 10% of people seeing a doctor for flu-like symptoms actually test positive for flu. The CDC has done this for 29 years. Only once before, in the 1987-88 flu season, has it come so late in the year.

“Flu viruses have been reported from all 50 states,” Bresee said. “Fortunately, because flu activity remains relatively low, levels of severe flu are low.”

Acording to the CDC map Illinois is suffering widespread flu and my comment from Facebook is not cheerful:

working the late shift again…bill is still sick. I have heard that flu season is going to be late and bad so we will all probably be dead by memorial day. The weather channel flu report says illinois is one of 9 states with widespread flu…sorry I can’t be more cheerful

The flu (if I get the flu I am screwed, becuase I am down to like 18 hrs of sick time) is only part of the problem.

I am freaking out about the bipolar 2 diagnosis…haven’t contacted Chris (my therapist) yet…I was waiting until the whole testing thing was over and done with. I am so far approaching it with the same half assed approach I use for most things.  I skimmed through a book on nutrition that tells me to do most of the things I should be doing to take care of my diabetes anyway…the diabetes is not something I pay much attention to…I know that is dumb and Abby for one is yelling at me about it, but in a loving way…she isn’t going to interfere unless I as her to…she is doing really well with her health issues.

I have added Omega 3 to my diet. I have also started taking safflower oil and cider vinegar in V8.  Nuts are good, but portion control is an issue.  Still not started exercising but I only had 2 non-diet sodas yesterday (i’m giving up artifical sweeteners) and, considering it was a 12 hour gaming session (7 hours at the table and 5 on the road) that was pretty good.

I was reading John’s Livejournal where he is blogging about his health issues but, even when he says he’s whining, he’s doing something and not just sitting on his ass. I wish he was here to motivate me.  He said something about having “an inner five year old who feels tantrumy.”  I have an inner spoiled brat who hates to be denied anything. That goes all the way back to when I was a teenager or maybe even before…my self discipline sucks…I’ve often thought that I need to employ an inner dominatrix, but I can’t figure out how.

I’ve also been trying to keep up with gracefulwomanwarrior‘s blog.  Mental illness and diabetes are nothing when you compare them to stage 4 breast cancer. And she’s kicking ass and taking names.  She learned it from her mother, I’m sure.  (For anyone who doesn’t know who Terri (gracefulwomanwarrior) is, she is Spider and Jeanne Robinson’s daughter. )

Hell, Kevin/Shadowcat just got out of the hospital after having a heart attack and diabetic keto-acidosis.

Enough…I have binding to do, my desk is a pit and I really need to email Chris.  Spider was right, “shared pain is lessened.”

The Mayan Calendar seems to indicate the world will end this year. Or maybe they just ran out of room on the rock they were carving. In either case, don't risk missing what COULD be the LAST KITTENCON, if they're right! .

Kitten con does not have an admission fee, and we would LIKE to be able to do this for our friends without having to worry about asking for help, but we can't. So we are asking for a donation of $5 per person per meal, plus feel free to bring whatever beverages (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) you like.

RSVP - PLEASE!! Please let us know if you are coming and for what meals. Knowing this in advance helps us to plan how much food to buy. If you have any special dietary needs/allergies, please contact Sean as he is coordinating the meals and will gladly accommodate those needs. Our email address is kittencon at gmail (you know how it needs to be formatted - we're trying to cut down on the spambots). If you need directions, let us know at the same address.

Also, if you want to help with clean-up, shopping, or anything else, let Sean know. You'll be given an Honorary Sainthood at least!

NO PSYCHODRAMAS!!! (Except for kitten, it's her con after all.)

Motel Info

•  
  Friday Night:
  • Dinner
  • Build-your-own sandwitches, with condiments, chips, and desserts.
  • Followed by singing, talking, board games, etc
  Saturday:
  • Brunch-ish: Coffee, pastry, and maybe more.
  • Bookstore/FunStore run
  • Games and Conversation
  • Saturday Evening Dinner: Sean's making Turkey!
  • Saturday Night: More of the games, music, etc.
  Sunday
  • Breakfast - Buffet featuring Sean's Amazing Waffles ™
  • Clean up and pack up
  • More chatting and so forth until folks leave
The house and cottage are non-smoking and are the homes of various furry quadrupeds (five cats, and Java the Mutt.) These are not to be let out, no matter how much they beg. Mitzi in particular is an escape artist. Nor are they to be fed, no matter how cute they are when they beg. We have no official motel or room block this year. Red Roof Inn has done us good in previous years. Contact info and rates:
• • Red Roof Inn 217-352-0101 800-843-7663

    If they're full, you can also try:

  • EconoLodge 217-356-6000 800-424-6423
  • Super 8 Motel 217-359-2388

Elizabeth Bishop (February 8, 1911 – October 6, 1979) was an American poet and short-story writer. She was the Poet Laureate of the United States from 1949 to 1950, a Pulitzer Prize winner in 1956 and a National Book Award Winner for Poetry in 1970. Elizabeth Bishop House is an artists' retreat in Great Village, Nova Scotia dedicated to her memory. She is considered one of the most important and distinguished American poets of the 20th century.<sup>[1]

Last year, of course, was her Centenary.

I didn't know much about her until pernishus talked about her and I promptly went out and bought the book One Art</sup>

One art :
letters /

Elizabeth Bishop;  Robert Giroux

English  Book xxv, 668 p. : ill., ports. ; 25 cm.